'Don't give up on what you want most for what you want in the moment'

Went out with some of my family for a birthday dinner to Chili's ... the entree I got was 480 calories (grilled salmon, black beans w/pico, and steamed veggies w/parmesan cheese). All I ate was the salmon and half the black beans. According to the nutritional info on Chili's website, I had 340 calories. No one even noticed how little I ate. AND, I was able to get out of dessert :) woo*hoo

I had an alright time at dinner, but all in all my birthday has pretty much sucked. I spent all of it alone, aside from dinner, and no one has gotten me anything. I know birthdays aren't about gifts, but I'm just surprised that I didn't get anything from anyone. Ya know? I must be an awful person, that no one in my family wanted to get me anything *sigh* I don't know how I should feel about it, I mean, I'm kind of sad, but then again I'm not ... which only makes me more confused. Considering the relationship I've had with my family over the last few years though, I'm grateful they even took me out for dinner.
My boyfriend is coming home tomorrow, maybe he has something for me, maybe he loves me and can stand me enough to get me a gift, even though he didn't bother trying to come home one day early to be here for my birthday ... GAH, I sound so whining .... Sorry. I'm determined to turn my life around, be a better, thinner, more likeable person.

I think I'm going to head to bed early, hopefully tomorrow is better.

Stay strong. Dream thin.
xx

I did well today, I'm really proud of myself. I was under my 300 calorie limit and I burned 400 calories working for 6 hours today.

I had:
4 veggie dumplings -- 100 calories
PB cookies -- 100 calorie pack
4 SF lifesavers -- 30 calories
4 SF creamsavers -- 36 calories
-----------------------
226 calories TOTAL

I'm in love with SF hard candies now, they help curb my appetite and make me feel like I've had something yummy! :)
Tomorrow is my birthday dinner with my family. I'm not going to eat until dinner. We are going to Chili's. I plan on drinking iced tea and ordering the guiltless grilled salmon, which is 480 calories. I'm sure they will want me to have some kind of dessert, since it's my birthday. I'm just going to get the strawberry cheesecake shot, it's 220 calories. If they tell the waiter it's my birthday and they serve me the cake/ice cream combo, I will pass it off to someone else and just say I'm really full or something. I think I can pull it off, I hope so anyway :)

I'm glad today was a good day, I really needed one!
Stay strong. Be thin.
xx

Yesterday started off really well. I didn't eat until dinner at work and I had:

1 cup of egg drop soup -- 100 calories
4 veggie dumplings -- 100 calories
1 fortune cookie -- 25 calories
4 SF hard candies -- 25 calories

... THEN, I binged. Reese's Pieces and Twizzlers :(
After, I went to the bathroom (was still at work) and I purged. I've never purged before and it felt awful. My eyes were watery and blood shot afterwards. I thought that things came up in sort of a reverse order of how you ate them, but mine didn't. I saw a lot of the cabbage from the veggie dumplings and a few pieces of red from the Twizzlers. I never saw any of the chocolate come up, which was the WORST of what I ate. *sigh* I don't see myself purging on a regular basis. It felt like such a punishment, it only further proved to me that I am a failure and if I keep it up, I will stay a fat failure.
Purging is nothing more than a punishment. I wont EVER say, "I will binge and then purge" ... I wont ever let it become an excuse for eating. That is my promise to myself -- and I have to stick to that. I know that it is dangerous and not something I should be doing, so I just have to be good and stick to my plan everyday.

ANYWAYS, today has been good so far. I made a 100 on my algebra test (OMFG, I know!) and it's 11am here and I've had nothing :) Prolly just fruits and veggies today. I still have some left over veggie dumplings at work (4 of them, so 100 calories worth) ... I'm thinking it's time for a nap ...

Stay strong.
xx

Starting tonight, I'm going to update in my journal more often :)
... off to work for now! PROMISE to post here later!
xx

Went to stay with Andrew Friday night ... had a small lunch before I left there on Saturday. But screwed up my calorie intake for the day with drinks with my cousin in the afternoon, then again later with the cousin and b/f that same night ... Yesterday, had to go out for breakfast and then it was the uncles birthday dinner, so the day with shot! :( I'm up 3lbs from Friday. Mostly water weight I'm sure, but today will be AMAZING.

(On the positive side ... I did have a fun weekend and got some cute new shoes. And, a new outfit, that will look even better in a few weeks.)

Ah ... I HAVE to stay STRONG today ... I HAVE to get back on track.
Take control!
xx

I must really be into self-torture and not even know it. I was at my lowest weight in months and then I binged yesterday (for no reason). I kept eating all day & night, even when I wasn't hungry. I ate just for the feeling of food in my mouth, it was disgusting. Needless to say, I feel like hell now.

I'm going to fast today, since the thought of food is enough to make my stomach hurt. I think last night was the closest I've ever come to purging. I realized just how easy it would be to make myself throw up and it scared the hell out of me :( Purging is not a road I want to go down b/c I see how many people struggle with it.
ANYWAYS, today is my first day of summer classes. Think I may go get a pedicure afterwards ... maybe.
xx

Burned 250 calories at the gym ... consumed 250 calories today ... and, I'm STILL up 3lbs from this morning. WTF? I hope I've lost by morning :(
Think I'm getting sick though. I got sick at work and have been sweating a lot, so maybe I have a fever??? Oh well, at least I am off the next 2 days.
Well, I'm off to bed ... *crossing fingers for lower morning weight*
xx

Today will be a great day ... I binged last night, but I'm not going to let it ruin today. Waiting for the iPod to charge so I can go to the gym ...
xx

Today was SUPPOSED to be a 50 calorie, liquids only day ... Instead I had:

Grande Non-Fat Cappuccino -- 80 calories
7 ounces of turkey breast -- 210 calories
Bread -- 110 calories
Cookies -- 100 calorie (pack)

I'm really disappointed in myself ... plus at the gym (before all that food) I only burned 100 calories. So pathetic :(
On the plus side, I didn't gain any according to the scale (it's been at 153.4 ALL day) and I was on my feet for 7 hours at work ... Gotta TRY to stay positive I suppose.

Thin is only a day away ...

290 calories today ... then a 'mini' binge, 75 calories or so ... total of 365 calories for the day ... I guess it's alright. I did some exercises in my room tonight, just to keep moving ... plus there were 2 sessions with the boyfriend today :)
so, I guess I can deal.
I'm off to bed now though ... it's been a emotional day to say the least!

Audrey xx